At some point this year I decided that I was going to stop being afraid. Stop being afraid of failing, of looking stupid, of falling, of feeling stupid, of getting hurt, of pushing myself too hard...all of these fears that were keeping me from getting out there and trying new things. I think I was in somewhat of a rut. Motherhood had changed me in ways that I hadn't anticipated. With Lily and then Josie's birth I became responsible for so much more than just myself, and that responsibility made me more hesitant. On top of that, I had accepted for a long time that I just wasn't a very athletic person. I was convinced that I was a slow runner, an average road biker, and a definitely wimpy swimmer, among other things. Also I am not so hot at cross country skiing, if you care to know. Sure, I had done some half marathons and a few sprint triathlons, but I'd done them very slowly, never trying to compete because I was sure I couldn't.
So then I started CrossFit. And it was so hard for me. I felt dumb all the time, in fact, I still feel dumb on a regular basis because I am self-conscious about not being as strong as other people. But I made a conscious decision that I was going to stop caring about being the slowest, needing the most help, and always having to scale the workout down. I started giving myself credit for just showing up, and doing my best.
Then I started mountain biking. And I fell, a lot. I still fall, a lot, but not as badly. There is still much swearing, and moments where I have to tell myself, "Just don't cry", when Tim says, "Hey! We're half way there!" and it has taken all that I thought I had to give just to get half way there. Then trying not to cry again when he says, "Only 3 more miles." Or, "There's 2 more miles. Do you want to just turn around?" Mountain biking is not only a physical challenge for me, but a mental one. My brain sends messages to my entire body of, "You are going to die. Seriously. If you crash right now, you will die. Hopefully someone can explain to your girls that you were just trying to do something cool, because this is it for you."
I just wanted to tell you: I have fallen, and not died. I have felt stupid and looked dumb and not died of embarrassment, either, which is apparently impossible. The pictures above are ones that Tim took after I missed some box jumps at CrossFit one morning. I also had some nice bruises from mountain biking. My legs are a nasty scarred and bruised mess now but, you know what? They're getting stronger. And they're getting faster. And I'm having fun.
I want to encourage you to let go of your fears, too. Don't worry, I haven't lost all sense of self-preservation. You won't find me flying around in a squirrel suit any time soon. But I promise if you lose those fears, especially those that revolve around comparing yourself to others, which is a big weakness of mine, you will surprise yourself with what you can actually do, whether it be physical, spiritual, emotional, whatever. I only wish it hadn't taken me almost 28 years (ahhh! turning 28 this month!) to figure it out, but maybe the timing was all part of it.
Keep me posted, I am inspired by so many of you!
