Today we had a patient die.
Yesterday we had a patient die.
Another died over the weekend.
I talk to at least one very distraught, crying person every day.
I hope I am being a comfort. I hope that just by listening and being there for people, and helping them get unpleasant tasks out of the way, that I am accomplishing something.
But you know what? Death and illness and losing your independence, or your spouse, or your dad, or your role at home...these are hard things. I have seen a very tough older man cry when telling me that he can't mow the lawn at his church anymore because of his cancer. For all the times that we are frustrated that we have yet another chore to do around the house, at least we can do it!
Today I was talking to a older guy who is a little gruff around the edges, but very funny and sarcastic. He was telling me that it was depressing for him to be in the hospital at this time of year because he would usually go to the woods in northern Wisconsin and spend lots of time outdoors, hunting and hiking. He told me about a time that he was standing next to a tree, partially hidden, in the woods, and a wolf walked about 5 feet in front of him and never saw him. He said it was an amazing experience. It's always interesting to me to hear what life stories stand out for our patients when they are having to face their own death.
It's easy to forget that the elderly were once like Tim and I are now: young, healthy, strong, very independent, full of hope and dreams of the future.
You never envision your future with illness, loss, isolation, loneliness, or bitterness as part of it.
This job is teaching me to keep the perspective that none of us are immune from life's trials, as much as we would like to insulate ourselves. The only way that I can see to prepare for the tough times is to do so spiritually. Through prayer, and asking forgiveness, from God and from others, by going to church and to the temple, by reading the scriptures and serving, even serving those that make you uncomfortable. These are all areas that I can always improve in, that's for sure. And maybe by letting the little things slide? By choosing not to be offended and to cherish those relationships, even those that are difficult to maintain. I also want to be so much more appreciative, and to let my loved ones know that I am thankful for them.
These are just some of the things that I am learning in this fellowship. Clearly Heavenly Father had a reason for putting me at the VA, at this time in my life.
A couple more things:
1. Talk with people you love about how you want to die. It sounds morbid, but it's not going to get easier in the event that you are actually dying, so let them know now.
2. Make your advance directive. The most important part is where you designate your health care power of attorney. This is the person who would make decisions for you about your health care should you become incapacitated. It happens! And doctors DO NOT like making decisions for patients that are non-decisional. Also, if there is an option on the advance directive regarding nursing home placement or community based residential facilities (think assisted living), think about it before checking that you don't want your health care agent to be able to place you in one! People are living longer and taking longer to die from chronic illnesses. It can be very difficult to maintain someone in your home if they require full care. Home hospice (at least in WI) is only there to SUPPORT the caregiver. They are not there to do much of the tough stuff of caregiving.
3. If you are in a position to save money, or if you have money and assets (I am not there yet!), put money aside for your funeral and burial costs. It is hella expensive! And I see so many families that have to worry about, "How are we going to afford to bury Dad". Make a will. Designate a financial power of attorney. This is a separate document from your health care power of attorney. And it is only good while you are alive, so you will want to make important people in your life either joint account holders with you, or arrange for them to receive your money in your bank account upon your death. If they're not on your account, if it's not spelled out in your will, things get sticky (again, at least here in WI-things may vary state to state).
Well, thanks for letting me share these things with you. I'm hoping that this job will help me learn some important things now rather than later.
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3 comments:
Sounds like you're dealing with people who need you. You're so wonderful and patient. Keep it up!!
Uh, that was kind of a downer of a post, but important nonetheless, and I learned a lot. I explained to John how I want to die, and told him to remember it 65 years from now when it actually applies, but I like your point that it's easier to discuss it when death is not imminent.
oh....so much to think about! We put our wills and life insurance together just before Emma was born. It's tough thinking about things like that. I liked your comments about being thankful for being able to do things like chores. What a good perspective!
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